“I am the man with the heavy heart, and I dare not turn the pages.
Riding with automatic self destruction.
Is a blind faith, a cruel waste, one bitter taste.
So I know I need this sweet sensation.
Ooooh Sweet sensation,
The music that we play,
Will ease your mind.”

- Chase & Status FT Liam Bailey: Blind Faith.

“So this will be a super long post I will break it up with some tunes ”

So 21012 aye the year that kicked off with a hiss and a wobble .

How have all my pretties been ? I hope you’re well and happy
and as for me you ask? well its been crazy as per usual and i didn’t realize it had been so long until i went to have a look,so for that im sorry guys.
But if you’re anything like me you don’t need too much blah blah blah on your cancer blogs.

2011 finished with 2 lots of my friends getting engaged,and started off with Andy c base in your face on the 1st jan quickly followed by a bloody decent shake, I swear it happened coz Nichola came home (i’m pointing at you missy just like the evil monkey, on the topic of monkeys we will get to that and how i now have to have rabies shots) My treatment is going ok i’m still on the hormone blockers and well fuk me the hot flushes are bloody rampant but thats ok,think god we have a super king size bed for the four us,and as for the boobs well i’m now seeing Sally Lanlegy everybody raves about her,she seems nice but i have now come to the conclusion the docs have no sense of humor and do not find me funny which i find very sad that they don’t realize how super sparkly awesome I am.

But in all seriousness I am not aloud a expander in,it was fuking deverstating I have to have a tram flap,(look it up on my facebook) which means they will now chop my back up so im not too pleased,but after all of my “I don’t give a shit i’ll just have one boob” vigor has fallen to the wayside i’m sick of not been able to feel like a normal person,and I have made dam sure that I won’t have porno boobies as the doc suggested that I get a C or a D cup , excuse me while i get back on my chair a nice tidy B cup will be fine thanks and if I want them bigger I can just watch jenna marbles guide on how to look like you have big boobs vlog
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HErdtVkR3Nw
and on the upside I got to play with a box of breast implants,yea you hear that fellas jelly much?

So my dear beloved friend johnny and his wonderful little lady alex got engaged on xmas eve,i was surprised when i saw the pic on facebook and tex him to find out what the fuk was happeing and threated to tell his mommy ………..too late she was there. wish you gave me a heads up sunshine

So at the beginning of march we shot over to melbourne to go to their engagement party (side bar to virgin air lines ffs can you have a self scan at chch air port because queing up for over a hour with only carry on and almost missing your flight, even after you have asked ppl what’s happening and can you help us fell on deaf ears,will make a girl fukn mad considering i could have had my boobs done in 2 days ( they had a delayed flight and didn’t set the ques up right so i have confirmed it was their fault not ours and the 15 other ppl near us)

But we got there and it  was awesome the moomba carnival was on and fashion week and friends thanks to shell and the boys for having us,oh there the engagement party was………… on a boat mother fuckers,yea thats right on a boat !! Awesome much? and i must confess i did make mike play titanic with me,“yes baby you are the king of the world and yes i can fly” and to all those young kiddies out there just like the holocaust happened, the titanic was a real ship ffs , i use the holocaust as a example coz
you know old mel gibson has gone on one of his rants again.
As will I at some point.

And here is the musical intermission (que the dancing candy bars)

“My body needs a hero
Come and save me
Something tells me you know how to save me
I’ve been feeling weird (oh)
Oh, I need you to come and rescue me
Oooooooooh!
Make me come alive
Come on turn me on
Touch me, save my life
Come on and turn me on
I’m too young to die.”

- David Guetta and Nicki Minaj “TURN ME ON”

The second half of march were met with 30 something plus weather in bali (now we can get to the monkey story) so bali have you been? i don’t really rave about it come across as somewhere that would have been fab ten years ago , i’m not sure 100% why i didn’t like it it just had that vibe that you were going to get shafted left right and center, (i have been to other asian countries and not felt this way at all) yes it 3rd world but its not. i think its a shame the locals have completely stripped away their identity for a bastardized version of itself that caters to the westerners,overflowing with middle aged over tanned overweight,and under clothed masses getting their fill of sun a cheap beer WERE SUNSCREEN YOU SILLY FUCKERS even up in ubud same thing i missed that feeling of having to try and understand a culture,and their food is a big component of that.

We did stumble across a cute little local place with sticky holey table cloths one rickety fan and ants crawling on the table ,thats was as close to local as we were going to get food and for $15 nzd inc a 30% tip we were well fed and watered ,and one night when we’re trying to find a yoga class to get rid of our excess noms i sat down on a bench next to monkey forest under a light and to the left of i couple of monkeys was the night they attacked . i was fixing a plaster on my foot and mike came over sat down and then it happened this monkey threw itself at mike and ripped a 1lt bottle of water out of his hands and bounced off and perched itself on a ledge and ever so casually unscrewed the lid chucked it too the side and started drinking from the bottle that’s when the other monkey jumped on my shoulder and bit me i get up it tries to jump on mike and he bats it away as we start running down the street by this point i’m on the verge of tears think,ing are you fukning kidding me i have just been thru all this and now i’m going to die by the bite of a monkey…

My saving grace was i had a t-shirt on and it didn’t break the skin all tho i had the in-dent of monkey teeth on my back for a few days, with a very small graze, but shit it hurt , im sure most of you have been bitten at some point so you know what i’m talking about.. we walk down to the supermarket and i ask for something to clean my bite with, the give me iodine (according to my doc thats what your meant to use fyi and me trying to act out you know monkey it bite you know bite? (as i chomp chomp my teeth) poor lady ,so now i’m home and i have had 4 rabies shots and 1 tecnass shot and these cost a shit load and gave me very bad side effects i haven’t felt that sic in months and rang up emergency in the early hours of the morning to talk to a doc and to pre warn them i might be showing up and to get a room ready , but after what seemed like an eternity i feel asleep and woke up only feeling 99% like death rather than 1500000000000000% and after about four or five days i was feeling ok again, and after the last one i only felt a bit tired and just drained , but that’s not far from the norm for me .

“Im like Huston I think we got a problem”.

- Conor Maynard Can’t say no

(sorry I have a soft spot for things that sound like a boy band)

And the last of march/ beginning April dj hype tore down the bedford, dj fresh burned up the cpit building where we had bunny ears on and we were handing out easter eggs ,coz thats how we roll.

The days have now got a crisp feel,so in a couple of weeks i’ll be off to the docs again, the neuro surgeon about my arm as its being a bastard , and the other one doesn’t feel too flash either , and i will also get to see bridget I haven’t see her in six months poor thing she must be missing me like crazy , but i have been keeping in touch with emails as the UTI’s have been, well not pleasant at all i have them every day.

Some i can manage with some ural, some im stuck in the bathroom crying hunched over in pain , sobbing for mike to bring me pills and ural and pain killers. last night was a prime example earlier that day we had lunch with mikes family at she chocolate, i should have remembered and i should have known better, sugar is bad for you any way but its really bad if you’re prone to bladder infections so a few hours after my baileys hot chocolate and half a chocolate platter my body decided to be super mean and kick me in the pants literally. Not flash at all. Poor mike i’m so super grateful that he looks after me and takes my crap and that he hopefully realizes that the old liz is somewhere inside this crazed monster.

Got your hands up cause you think you’ve got it
Going crazy, we’re not even started.

- DJ Fresh FT Rita Ora “hot right now”
xoxo to the easter party crew

I’ve never been afraid of the highest heights,
or afraid of flying high
I’ve never been afraid of the wildest fights,
not afraid of dying
But now I want off this ride cause she’s scaring me,
and I don’t like where we’re going
I need a new funfair, cause she’s scaring me,
and I don’t like where we’re going.

EXAMPLE – Changed The Way You Kissed Me

So as I’m am snug as a bug in a rug in my big ass bed on a Friday morning, feeling kind of ill, self inflicted by the chocolate on my bed side table, me and old Lindsay Lohan should go to AA together. You know her for that pesky drug habit and me for my candy addiction.

So it’s been a super long week, I have been at work since Saturday and yes I know for the rest of you mere mortals that is not that bad, but when you’re short staffed and it’s the school holidays, it just feels like ground hog day. But yesterday took the cake, EQC came over to look at our gardens (or so I thought), we’re part of a body corp. So if one person puts in a claim they have to look at everybody’s place. Well my bad, after I told the rest of the neighbours they would only be looking at the outside, they did a full check of the inside of the houses, so sorry guys I know that was kind of sprung on you and me too. Wires definitely got crossed somewhere, but I’m glad, we get a whole new repaint inside and out inc the garage and a new bath. So yays ….after that I had to go get another MRI scan, I had pre-warned them on the phone that it is damn near impossible to get a needle in to me so you need to book out a good amount of time….. I get there and re-inform the desk chick of this, twice, then we go thru to the back and I ask her for a third time if I can have a heat pack or a basin to soak my arm in…. Whoosh.. I must have been speaking to a brick wall as that seemed to be ignored. Thank goodness a wee man popped out ten mins later, remembered me and showed me the bathroom. Told me to heat my hand, got me a fluffy robe and a glove to keep me warm (thank you mister man) he cracked a few jokes which was nice and offered drinks

Next I’m escorted out the back, advised to change, take off all my jewellery, tongue ring and all, can you imagine, you’re allowed to leave your pants on for the type of scan I was having but you can feel the button and zip kind of buzzing. So just think of what that would feel like in your mouth :S Anyway their bright idea to get a needle in to me is a ultra sound. Yes this works and it’s kind of gross being able to watch the needle go in to your vein on the screen, this however did not go without a hitch, the first needle went in. After me protesting to put it in my bloody hand, and it falls out…….. the needle is too short and the vein is too deep, so we move to another room with better light, and with a bit of fluffing around with the doctor exclaiming “how does this work?” and “I don’t like these needles” the second one goes in he asks for tape. But doesn’t wait for it, tries to flush it and ooh fuck it, it falls out. Same problem, the vein is too deep and the needle is to short, so with more fluffing about and discussions with the nurse on how they need to do this and that for people like me, (I’m like the 1 in 100) so it’s not very cost effective to have stuff just for me and I don’t expect it either. So now were up to the third go and the doctor finally got a longer needle and showed it to me just to prove it. Keep your proof to yourself, I say, I don’t need to see a 5ish cm needle going in to me. And yes it bloody hurt initially… My arm made a bit of a mess but it’s in and were good to go. An hour and 15 mins after I arrived, I start to panic as I need to get to work ….

So I don’t know how many of you guys have had a scan, but I don’t normally have a problem with them, yes they are loud and squashed, but this time was different. Firstly I was face up, I did not like it at all, and proceeded to have one of my many internal break downs, which are worse than my crying having a fit ones as they are personal. They are the Lord Voldemort ones I don’t dear utter the words as the cancer will hear me and come to kill me again… so the internal monologue goes something like this;

“fuck fuck fuck its back I’m going to die,
fucking chemo, I’m going to go bald fuck fuck fuck,
fuck ironic the song playing la la la, the way that you kiss me la la la,
fuck there’s going to be an earthquake,
fuck sake Liz calm down.

OK breath la la la, oh I kind of like this song.
FUCK I’m going to be late for work,
fuck what if they tell me it’s not good right now and I still have to go to work.
Right Liz pull it together get to work, do your clients, then tell Mike.
Don’t ruin his day with the peskiness of you dying!
Fuck, I don’t want to do this anymore.

Hum is this going to give me cancer from the radiation?
Shit don’t move, or you will be stuck in here longer!
Fuck fuck fuck FUCK………..”

And that’s the long and short of it, and yes I’m sorry about all the swearing but that’s what it’s like in my little head.

Oh and here’s the kicker, so in the waiting room I was reading a Marie Clare mag, with some article about a Indian dude that thinks he is god reincarnate. And that he molested quite a few men in his time (side note: I think about the idea of religion a lot and try to wrap my head around quite a few ideas) anyways, so here is this man who thinks he is god and has fooled millions by bad magic tricks and tom foollery and then has the audacity to molest young men that trust him, believe in him. How fucked up would it be for your messiah to be in front of you in human form asking or giving you a bloody blowjob. Seriously! How do you get your head around that? I only bring that up as that was in my mental head rant as well, as I think about dying a lot and do wonder where or what we’re going in to and if God is on Earth in that evil little man I want nothing to do with it…..

I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
hey hey
Well I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
hey hey
And I said I need dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need
And if I share with you my story would you share your dollar with me

ALOE BLACC – I Need A Dollar

Ok so I don’t normally write unless I feel like I have something to say.

So yesterday Friday the 14th October 2011, I decided this year I would help fund raise for pink ribbon day, you would think one would come away feeling all warm a fuzzy. Umm NO!!! From the organisation to being told that the coordinator doesn’t really want to be there until 9pm, just made me mad. The couple of girls I was paired with were lovely and so were the people donating inc Mrs. Smith,  her son told her to come down and see me at the mall (he’s all the way in the UK now), she said she had a hard time finding us. Well so did I! As I was vaguely told to show up at Riccarton mall.

Hum right….anyways we sold a lot of stock, so much so that I think by lunch time they would be sold out of everything but ribbons. When I asked if we could get some more we were told no and that she was coming to get some ribbons off us to take to another area of town. What really? Its fucking pink Friday and you can’t get us enough stock, for god sake it’s simple supply and demand and just like how pumpkins on Halloween sell out so does the pink!! on fucking pink Friday….

Well they sell out twice I guess. I have never been a fan of the pink marketing machine, but I thought naively that I would do my bit to help and now I fell kind of dirty, I feel like the sell out, miss me who on her soap box declares that all cancers should be treated the same, given the same air time, and then I thumb my nose at it, then I jump in to the metaphorical Maserati of the pink beast.

Man oh man I’m on a whining roll today…. So I was reading the paper and these ladies, who I assume were trying to have a bit of fun and help, just really fucked me off and offended me.

So these woman decide to snow board or ski in there bikinis for a fundraiser, and they made about $2500 or there abouts. Hum why does this annoy me lovelies? Right well let’s get our tits out and ski down a hill, oh wait, I forgot I only have one, and you’re not really drawing attention to the cause, the disease. Your drawing attention to someone’s tits.. That’s not the same thing by a long shot, will men come blue September dawn there speedos or broad shorts to raise funds for prostate cancer, um no they most likely won’t, coz that’s not sexy is it.

And I bet in the whole month of September they don’t raise as much money as the pink machine on October 14th and shit you don’t even hear about ovarian cancer at all. A few whispers here and there and moans of ‘oh gross I have to get a smear test’. I don’t know I guess I’m a realist, there is no cure, I’m so sick of people, although I know they mean well asking if it’s gone. I’m fixed so to speak, sure the cancer along with a boob is gone and what did I get? I scored myself a side effects list as long as my hair and a life time (however long that may be) of paranoia. Last week I was in the car and I thought to myself “I’m going to be ok” and then thought fuck and took it all back coz what if the cells had heard me, felt me thinking like that and as a fuck you decided to go to town in my liver or brain. I have never uttered those words out loud, and I don’t think I ever will, too much of a jinx, too big for my own dam boots if you ask me………

don’t hate her because she’s undecided

and she’s tired
and she’s sick of the same old shit
it’s just more of the same old same
i know she wants more and more and more to stomach
in honor of her youth

she’s not sorry she’s happy
sorry she’s happy
she’s not sorry she’s happy
sorry she’s happy as a turtle
she’s a real live transformer

THE SMASHING PUMPKINS – TRANSFORMER

one of my fav of all time, it’s on the 33 single from like 1996, and yes I have it

blank blank blank, no I’m not trying to hide my swearing, my brain is just a bit muddled, so hum hows the go go for me then…………. I have my days, don’t we all.

The other day while driving back from pink palates, with jelly legs, i keep on thinking about dieing, something which will, yes will happen to all of us, and well nobody knows when this is going to happen to them. But me being me is just hoping for 10 years, and then something started to sink in if the militia come back and overtakes my body again, I don’t just get to die. I have to suffer, badly, and no I don’t think I’m so special that I have already paid my dues, but the realisation of this really shook me…… I don’t know how the saying goes, is it ‘pray for the best, expect the worst’? The so called best doesn’t even factor in to most of my daily questions, cynical much? And then on the other hand me and Mike are very lucky, luckier than most I guess. Nice house, cute puppies, love each other to death (no pun intend). We get up to the craziest shit, and I like it that way but then that little leprechaun in my head goes ‘ten years Liz, ten years’, which then makes me want to push the boundaries even more, and no that doesn’t mean I’m going to rob a bank and do crack. But I guess it just pushes me…. Also the guilt that I may have ruined Mikes happily ever after is crippling some times. So I try my best to make him smile……………xxxxx pretty.

But on to greener pastures with me pushing myself to do stuff………….  So it must have been Wed, I got up late, as I do, went on the old facebook and saw that Miss Connie was off to see the Dalai Lama that day, so I looked up we he was going to be “right CBS area, round the corner ………….hum time, time, time, what’s the time ……………12 pm shit” at this point it was 12.08! Fuck it. I run up stairs into the shower and then out the door and by 12.23 I was parked on a traffic island running in. Then bam, wow there is like five thousand people here and I made it before he got onto the stage, and well I have seen monks before, but this guy is the be all and end all, he’s like the pope of his people so to speak…. and well aren’t we all looking for some kind of guidance. Some kind of answer. Some kind of saving. Even now I don’t know about everyone else but I couldn’t hear him very well or it could have been that he, like me went a little off track some times, but I came away with this “don’t be scared/angry what good is it going to do?” and “we are all one, we may believe different things but we are essentially the same person” and in a joking way he must be pimping coz his entourage ran like 15 monks deep, so as I was leaving some guy behind me read my tattoo on my back, not a big deal I hear you thinking, well it’s in Latin, and he read it back to me in English! No shit, he is the first person ever to do that. And well it made me relieved to know it said what it was meant to say, thank God, or well thank Buda. You see what I did, I made it situation appropriate……… any ways I get to my car, yes it was still there, I kept on thinking it was going to get towed and its crazy everybody is trying to leave at the same time but then……….. there comes a police car, then in the car behind it was the big man himself, so we start waving like crazy people and for a split second he saw us, maybe even me and did those prayer hands at us, it was just nuts, for that very short amount of time we were like 3 feet away from the be all and end all of his kind, how many people can say they were like 3 feet away from the pope?

So no real dramas in the cancer department this time, I just have a few doc’s appointments this month, nothing new, and that it’s my birthday next Sunday…………………….. 28 my god, never thought I would make it, but cross fingers I hopefully will, the theme? Alice of course, with pass the parcel and pin the grin on the Cheshire Cat …..

Oh and my final thoughts, I lost yet another HDD, so I’m quite behind with my rants, at some point there will be my thank you letter to the cold cap peeps, and there will also be a little guide on…. what to do when you’re having…………. chemo/radiation/your boob chopped off etc

Throw your soul through every open door,
Count your blessings to find what you look for,
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold,
You’ll pay me back in kind and reap just what you’ve sown.

ADELE – ROLLING IN THE DEEP

As usual I never write enough, radiation kinda kicked me in the butt a bit, I have had 16 sessions over 3 weeks and now two weeks later I’m burnt like a crisp and my skin is burning and peeling. The peeling just started on Sunday, oh and I have like a full blown flu/cold. At first I thought it might be an infection as well now……………..

It was Friday, Friday, and it was Gav’s 30th so I’m running late from work, I arrive shoeless, as I had been wearing massive heels at work all day, run down the footpath and ripped my foot open………….. :S

Oops to say the least! And after I bleed all over Gav and Vix front step, people had a bit of a panic and thought I would need stitches. So off to the ER I go.  No stitches required though, so we go to the after hours to get bandages etc, then after we fix my foot I try and make a drink and jam my finger in their wine chiller, um clutz much?

But then I thought it was from swimming on Monday and had to jump in the pool coz I was late and got water in my sinus’s .Also swiming sucks as I got phantom chest pains and forgot for a second what was/is wrong with me, went to itch my boob and. Well it’s not there is it, so I was having a full blown melt down in my head getting all upset. While doing the “rocking horse” in the pool

But now its Thursday and I should be at work but I have been up half the night throwing up mucus, and sounding like nanny fine. Which mike thinks is hilarious, but after pondering I think it was the fucker on Sunday, who’s hair I cut and when I asked what they were up to the answer was “I’m sick” oh great I have spent the past 3/4 years with a constant cold, and the only time I didn’t have it was the last few months. When I have been having treatment, so me being me is driving herself crazy thinking I have scalp mets and the cancer has come back. Fuck sake I’m so over being sick all the time it’s like just kill me and be done with it. Seriously! Yes I know I’m being dramatic, but you get to the point when enough is enough. Well now I think my wahing over my man flu is done now……….

But anyhow. Radiation, So what do the effects feel like? Some times its like someone flicking/slapping you. Other times it makes me hunch over in pain. But mainly it feels like when you have been in a sun bed for far too long, but unlike the sun bed, you don’t get a nice tan, you get a burn you can’t scratch. It or you will fuck your skin and you might not be able to get an expander put in. And I’m not, not, not, getting a tram flap………… So soon I may have to deal with new disappointment that I will be onesy for the rest of my so called life?

After my doctors only recommending that I put fatty cream on it, I had enough and put some manuka honey on it, and surprise surprise after 2 lots of it, it’s much better. It’s still peeling but the red has died down a lot.

Before I started radiation I asked  if I could put honey on, and I was meet with a kinda, I don’t know, apprehension as I have found when I ask to do things that are not the norm for the cancer patient…

So my high points for the week are………………… I started pink palates, with a runny nose and sore head. The trainer is very nice, and offers just to do a massage instead of me exerting myself, but I want to go ahead and push myself. So for approx forty mins I pull all sorts of poses and faces, but it’s all good and I feel better for doing it, and she answers all my questions, like how should my feet be, where should my knees go etc…. If you haven’t heard of them look them up here http://www.pinkpilates.co.nz/

I think the class’s are $50 each but you can get funding if you qualify, which I do! Yays. So it only costs me $10 a class. They have these pink laces which you can get for $10 buck to help with costs, so I gave them $20 and told them to keep the laces. Firstly what the hell am I going to do with pink laces and secondly I hate the whole pink thing as you all know.

Oh and I kinda realised how see-though my pants were so I’m sorry to the trainer for having to see my massive green butt through my black paints oops
Oh and I got my hair done yesterday, yess, much better than last time, got Pris at work to do it, which I’m very grateful for so thanks to her and my boss Kev for letting me have it done and sorry I couldn’t come to work today, which I feel completely terrible about.

And my final thoughts for this issue are………….. so I read this blog called “but doctor I hate pink” she has just been told she has mets and a spot on her liver, so thats kinda made me sad and scared and mad that I just can’t step out of this saga and ride off in to the sun set…………

When I’m falling down
Will you pick me up again?
When I’m too far gone
Dead in the eyes of my friends

Will you take me out of here?
When I’m staring down the barrel
When I’m blinded by the lights
When I can not see your face
Take me out of here

All I believe and all I’ve known
Are being taken from me I’ve gotta get home
Led to a world, when worlds collide
Let their fear collapse, bring no surprise

Take me out of here

Feed the fire
Break your vision
Throw your fists up
Come on with me

Just stay where you are
Let your fear subside
Just stay where you are
If there’s nothing to hide

Feed the fire
Break your vision
Throw your fists up
Come on with me

PENDULUM – WATERCOLOUR

So the past couple of weeks have been ok, besides the hot water tank having a mishap, and flooding our spare room. I have had acupuncture a couple more times, and have started radiation. Me deciding this was no snap decision. I thought long and hard, and drove many a doctor nuts with this one. One of the main reasons is it buggers your skin, and they might not be able to get a expander in. So no expander for me equals no new boobs. The other option is a tram flap, but to me it looks like a sock stuck to the front of you so that’s a no go.

So with some crossing of my fingers we’re hoping I can get the expander in, hell it doesn’t have to stretch that far and if that happens I will get the other one taken off too and a new one popped in that side.

But any ways, radiation goes like this. To start off you get some small dot tattoos to create a line for their lasers to line up with. So after that you get to climb up on a table that they adjust especially for you, and then the technicians move you very carefully in to position.

There is a + in the ceiling with a laser coming out of it, which they line you up with. Once that is done they put a “blanket” on the area that’s going to be radiated. It’s made out of the same stuff as chicken fillets you pop in your bra & it feels kinda gross touching those raw nerves of mine….

Then I blink and it’s done. Ok, well not that quick, I think I get 7 minutes of radiation. It takes longer to line me up before they start. The technicians are very nice, most of them are about my age, and they are smiling, even when its 8am and freezing cold. But the good thing is you can have your iPod going so every morning we crank some drum and bass and get the show on the road. They seem to like the music too thank god coz I would feel a little bad having Chase & Status blaring.

Oh I’m working some more, I just about killed myself last week with the amount I did. And yes you may laugh when I whine over 26 hours, but man it was hard. Full time work is most definitely a long way in the future.

Well now I didn’t really think radiation was doing much to me…. but ‘dum dum dum’ it’s made me so itchy dam it, and sleepy. So sleepy in fact I missed Pris’s b-day party. For that I’m very sorry coz I hate to miss an opportunity to see a drunken miss Pris

And after weeks of waiting our new Nintendo Wii game got here! Yusss. It’s called “Just Dance” (part 1) and man it’s funny. Freaking hard but fun. Mike & Amanda kicked my ass while mister Jurgen watched, while we hoped he wasn’t filming us, coz well Mike is rather awesome at the Spice Girls and Miss Briteny. I so want Just Dance 2 now.

Hum I am down to my last 2, yes count them, 2 lots of radiation. Yay! I also love my doctor, I’m so glad I don’t have to argue with her for the medication I need. While I was waiting to see her, a lady was getting weighed, and the words we fucking hate to hear “dam it, it just keeps going up”, I talk to her a little. It pretty much goes like this…
“it sucks doesn’t it, you spend five months with your head down the dam toilet, you think you would end up skinny, and for god sake they chopped off my boob! Where did that weight loss go?”
And with a sad smile she says “it’s soul destroying isn’t it?” ………….and fuck it is, but I have come to the conclusion we are all broken on some level, we just have to deal with it I guess, coz who the fuck is going to care anyways?

But on my last couple of notes I got a new tattoo ……………“reconnaissante” ta da! Say what now? It’s French for ‘thankful’ or ‘grateful’. And we had a nice mother’s day with Mikes, well my family (if they will put up with me) on Sunday ……………so Happy Mother’s day to all my friends mommies
who have looked after me all these years. I am very grateful.

XOXO ~ Liz

Shout outs for Saturday, it was epic

It sucks doesn’t it, no really it does. One day you get to mingle with the living and bam the next your slapped in the face… again, with this wanker of a disease, and you ever so slowly realise, just like in a horror movie, you can’t escape it. Your stuck with it forever, and you have to switch off your I’m a normal person brain to I’m a cancer person brain and start thinking about, about everything treatment. New boobs, what you eat and drink, should you wear under-wire bras coz well you know it might kill you, and god forbid don’t drink out of plastic bottles…. Well my bad, I wear under-wire bras with padding, so I don’t have to wear my prosthetic and I drink out of plastic bottles, coz well the water here in the Chch is tainted, and I don’t care if they have filtered it like ten times, I’m not drinking it….

So after my last chemo and stay at the hospital I asked to be referred to a dietician….. Still waiting, yes I know there has been more than one earth shaking moment, but really guys you have spent god knows how much money to keep me alive, and if all theses scary processed foods are out to get me, throw me a bone or the equivalent of and show me how to live a “healthy” life style then. Because I’m so sure most health problems could be solved by better diet and life style…

Speaking of which I’m having me second round of acupuncture tomorrow and after going out on Saturday I’m a little weary….
So last Tuesday on the east side of town, I walk into what looks like a house. In the front room waits a tiny Asian man with, hum not the best English skills. We chat and I hope I managed to explain what I wanted. I get on a massage table face down, with a handy towel over my face, and ‘crack’ the first needle goes in. No it doesn’t hurt; the crack is him flicking your skin. I’m not sure why, I lay there for an hour, and he sees a couple more people. During that time I break a hole in the handy towel with my nose so I can see. I kind of feel like I’m on CSI, examining a crime scene from the victims prospective. I did that because I shock my head to see if I could feel the needles moving up there and then something feel off, so I just had to see what it was…. bit of plastic tube off the needle. ‘Ding’ the timer finishes, he comes back in and carefully pulls them out of my head, neck and back. Then the massage, well if you have seen that Fresh Up ad (the ‘thirst is creepy one’), well I was pulling that face coz he was rubbing so hard the table was moving, and I’m fuking ticklish. This I think is to try and move the toxins out….

OK so my new not so secret shame is ….Britney’s back bitch.
So I know we have the haters but for someone who has in the past completely and publicly lost the plot she has done fukin well to climb back up, now if Miss Lindsay Lohan could do the same that would be awesome, but anyway I watch Miss Spears in her new vids, and now don’t get me wrong, she is not the machine she was in the past but that was like 8 years ago, and I look at her in pics and the person is there but it’s not the same. It’s somewhat tainted, the fresh faced girl is long gone, and that’s just how I feel. I look at pic’s from like wendys 21st or my 26th and I just wish that I could, I don’t know, wash away the past few years and bang I would look like that again. But hell if they can’t even fix Miss Brit, what help do us mere mortals have? Even though at the time of those pic’s I know I was, am, filled with such a self loathing, it’s a odd feeling to have.

So back on the proverbial wagon again, now normally I would just live off eggs and red bull for a month, but that is not a option this time. And yes I know that’s not the best eating combo in the world but you try telling that nagging bitch in the back of my head, she sometimes manages to claw her way out and have a party, but this time round we need to keep her on a short lead. Now I have read a lot about diet and cancer, and I somewhat feel I caused this myself, ever since I was a small, well, a round child, I have had these fears. One is that I’m so huge that just the presence of my
body is far to imposing, and that something terrible was going to happen to me, the proverbial bogie man has been living in my closet for a very long time. And now at almost 28, (fuk were did the time go) I’m trying to turn that boogie man into, just an evil monkey, as I know my fears will never fully go away. But I know that’s what makes us human.

So the question is this. Has the “BAD” thing already happened to me and I should just breath a heavy and long coming sigh of relief, or should I stop being so nonchalant about the evil that lurks around corners and put the defences back up?

I don’t really know were I’m going but I’m along for the ride, although lately it’s been bumpy as hell. I wonder if we’re all just wondering around, head full of mental people telling us bad things? Fuk I have no idea how we all keep it up for so long! Some days I just want to snap, stomp my feet and smash everything. But what’s the point, it won’t change anything, so I guess the big girl socks just need another tug. Even on my wedding day the day your meant to be selfish, I was far too concerned about everybody else and their feelings. And looking back, that makes me mad. I don’t know, I guess I just feel I don’t deserve things. That’s why I always runaway when it’s my birthday, in fear that no one cares. And I also guess that’s why I go overboard with gifts. Hum I think a lot of that needs to be knocked on the head. But it does suck when your closet and dearest don’t even get you a card on your wedding day!

But you try very hard to tell yourself that you have the right to be yourself. No matter how fuked up. And have your own personal bubble of space on this planet. And not feel that your imposing on everybody else.

Hum did I mention that I’m completely socially retarded? That stems from that feeling of not wanting to impose, although that’s all I seem to do! Also my venting mechanisms are not the best and do tend to be self destructive. Now we’re not talking Charlie Sheen levels, but shit if you could just act like a ass hole, have shit loads of cash and all the chemical pleasers you could ever want, would you not turn in to that? Or Britney?

Also I am very glad I didn’t attempt to go to a Zumba class at the gym, coz that shit is hard and I don’t have the best dance ability. Glad I did it in my lounge though.

To mike, you are my rock and I am your  albatross   xxxxx

So quite often I start with long time no write and this time will be no different, so what has happened in the life of Lizzabelle since her last entry?

Holidays earth quakes new hair, and appointments with the plastic surgeon.

So as we all know Tuesday the 22nd Feb our quant little town had its socks rocked off by another earth quake, I was meant to be having my last appointment with my chemo doc to see how I was going ….. I’m still waiting to have that meeting.

Our house is fine, just the normal cracks, we had no power and water for a few days, but we can’t complain, the dogs and mike a safe. The poor puppies got taken everywhere for like a week after, and our friend Danielle and her literal Noah’s ark of animals came to stay. In fact they only just moved out last night.

Hum what else, our wee trip to ozzy with jay and alana, fun fun fun ….
So at the last moment our flight got changed and instead of flying straight in to Brisbane we had to go thru Sydney, and I got sick on the plane there, so that resulted in me getting duty free and red rooster, and getting hammered before we got back on the plane to make the trip bearable, this happens every dam time we fly, I hate my body for that.

I just want to punch it for being such a wanker, but then that would hurt and it wouldn’t really help, but we finally get to Brisbane, hum small problem, we meant to be in the gold coast, I didn’t know they had their own air port …….oops so after a very long coach ride we get to the hotel, jay and alana flew in the day before and they meet us with smiles. Our room is on the 14th floor and the view is awesome, but man it’s hot. The next few days are a blur of theme parks and food places.
Jolly good fun, but man the food at the theme parks is so expensive, so take in your own water people.

We have to say a big thanks to alana for booking the theme parks and finding that Q4U thingie, http://www.dreamworld.com.au/Visitor-Information/q4u.aspx it’s well worth it, coz man we got some filthy looks when we just waltzed up to the rides and didn’t have to wait. I so wish they had them at movie world, dam you Superman Ride.

Next me and mike went on to Melbourne, we stayed with shell, scott and the kids THANKS GUYS. And that trip is even more of a blur. We got to hang out with our friends we don’t get to see all the time, coz well they live over there lol. But thanks to jonny and al for being super kind, as per usual (jonny I will go take pics of your house this week, when it stops raining, been uber busy last week, SORRY) and to chris for always taking us to the cool side of town, ha people you so need to go to this book shop if your ever in Melbourne http://www.polyester.com.au/ omg its just the bees knees. We got this book http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Girls , hum I say it’s not just filth it’s smut lol it’s so funny.

And then bang back to reality, back to the chch, it’s funny how quickly you forget how completely munted our little village is, honestly I could quite happily live in Melbourne, the only issues I have are, house prices over there are fukin insane. We would need our own health insurance (hum wonder if I could even get it) and traffic is just nuts. But the cost of living over all seams a heck of a lot cheaper, gas is like $1.30 AUD and I saw 3lt milk for like $3.29 AUD

IDK it’s just crap. There isn’t really anything to do and no were to go, I guess the biggest bonus is that we can save some moneys lol.

So back to the hospital, my second home, for my usual meetings and stabbing, I had my meeting with my plastic surgeon, I don’t like him and no it’s not because he’s American, but that sure as hell doesn’t help. And then he had to throw a spanner in the works by telling me if I get radiation I won’t be able to get an expander in. And I would have to have a tram flap reconstruction. Fuk sake honestly I’m so dam sick of thinking it’s not even funny. If I have radiation it will lower my risk of recurrence in that area by 2/3, good good I think, but here’s the kicker, 18 months ago they wouldn’t have even offered it to me. In fact if I was in another part of the country, I might not have been offered it either. Why am I whining then? A tram flap means they take a “flap” of skin from your back or tummy, well the tummy is out. I don’t need a boob with stretch marks on it thank you very much. And best case scenario is it will look like a sock sewed to the front of me. What’s the fukin point? He also said if I was able to get the expander they wouldn’t do the other one, um right so let’s have one pointing south and one like a beach ball stuck to the front of me. Great, just bloody great, the hospital system is fantastic….. if your dieing, otherwise you’re just going to get a band aid stuck on you, a pat on the head, a lolly-pop and out the door you go…. and that little rant is just the tip of the ice-berg. Another fun little fact, I have ran out of veins in my arm so my IV’S now have to go in my finger! OMG that was not flash, infact out of say the 200+ times I have been stabbed over the past few months that was the worst!!!!

I finally got my hair done YAY! Dear lord, nervous. What can I say, thanks to the guys at Ginger Meggs who were quite patient with me and that I’m glad I don’t have re-growth anymore. And I was uber brave and let them cut my fringe. I haven’t let anyone do that for like 5 years…. and yes me being me I have had snip here and there and I have toned it like 2 more times, but that’s just me. I will put pics up soon

So yea it’s been a pretty crazy past couple of months but that’s how we like it. Coz life, especially at the moment, would get very boring otherwise…………..

BRITNEY SPEARS – Till The World Ends

See the sunlight
We aint stoppin’
Keep on dancing till the world ends
If you feel it let it happen
Keep on dancing till the world ends
Keep on daancing till the world ends
Keep on daancing till the world ends

Hell, man oh man I heart this song, makes me wanna dance ……

I’m reaching in my cupboard for a painkiller
uh uh uh uh

see we work hard
play hard
man i gotta stay charged
can’t sleep
tired out
trouble on my radar
running round live wire
had another red bull
everybody running baby
let me come and get a pull
isn’t it incredible
that I’m even still awake
still alive
still i take
poison that rebilitates
fuck a little line
we can go ahead and kill a case
living in a killer state
maybe that’s a good excuse
see me taking shots at the bar
like I’m bullet proof
now my belly full of juice
I’m walking everyday
wiv a bruised lip
battered eye
beat up state liver..

i’m reaching in my cupboard for a painkiller uh uh uh
i need another painkiller
reachin in my cupboard for a painkiller uh uh uh
i need another painkiller
they call it painkiller
let it go
painkiller uh uh uh

now we live fast
die young
wish I’d never tried none
saturated chemical
but i don’t wanna die mum
maybe you could try some
no point wasting it
first there was a little bit
but now i got my face in it
run around chasing it
everything is so hot
everybody screw faced
looking like so what
pressure and it won’t stop
pushing up my heart rate
arguments and attitude
mate you don’t wanna stop me
listen bruva cant wait
now i gotta close this
woke up shivvering
and swimming in my own piss
its just my own risk
a real brain splitter

I’m reaching in my cupboard for a painkiller uh uh uh
I need another painkiller

FREESTYLERS ft PENDULUM – Painkiller

So last chemo ….YAY. Well now its 14 days since my last lot of chemo FOREVER!!!!! (we hope)
It all seems like a bit of a blur now. What I do remember is the day before, my friends, who are very kind, threw me a “happy last chemo” breakfast. So kind of them (special thanks to Wendy and Connie, who made the decorations and boobie cup cakes). Everybody got a cup cake, it made me laugh coz mine are so small. So for the day I had a pair …..until I ate mine.
Oh the girls at work also did some fundraising, so that has been donated to the hospital, so yet again thanks to everyone who gave what they could, it was very very kind =)

So yea last chemo starts with a feeling of “I don’t wanna” and “lets get this over and done with”. It’s such a weird feeling going in somewhat well and knowing your going to be sick as hell with in 3 hours, god I feel sick just thinking about it.

And yays the cold caps are gone. I can finally go in to my garage again, I have such a love hate relationship  with those things. I love that I have hair, I hate how sick they made me felt. It was kinda like a co-dependant,violent relationship, coz it hurt me lots but I so needed them. People ask me if I would do it all again. Yes, yes I would. I dont want to but I would coz what else can you do, but pull your socks up and deal with it as best you can.

I was put in what I lovingly call the Death Ward, as I was the only one who had longer than a year to live. What I have discovered is that these woman, bar one grumpy granny, were happy and quite positive. Where as people who aren’t so sick tend to dwell on the illness and not get past it. Well hell if you let that rule your life you may as well get a “betty bag” and shove it on your head now coz whats the fukn point. I talk about my illness all the time. I’m sure it must drive people mad, but I myself feel somewhat, I don’t know, munted I guess. And I tell people so they understand my behavior, as I do tend to lose track of what I’m saying. I’m a lot slower at work, my fingers are still funny, and to me I look like Michelin Man. So to me if I explain, people then understand and don’t think I’m special like this all the time.

One more after effect is my veins. My poor arm 2 weeks later and it still hurts. Most of them are rock-hard, as I have said before. Fluids and drugs thru a IV, is the way I roll. But man when your veins are screaming at you, coz your on your 5th or 6th lot of dex for that visit, well you just want to rip the IV out and hide under your bed. But you cant coz that was the last vein you have got, so you just have to put up and shut up while it flows thru like salt.

You cannot believe how much I am cringing while writing this. Its not even funny, and do you know what else isn’t funny? Some fuker stole my toastie that had my name on it 2x, that Vicki had made… gurr me and the Death Squad know who you are, so shame on you mister suspender pants.
So mister suspender pants is a grumpy man of color who waffles on about his rights and is rude to the doctors and wakes us up by yelling down the phone that he is hungry at 4.30 am. Well there is plenty of food in the kitchen, with out my name on it that you could have had wanker…….

So what else can I say 2 weeks past chemo and I’m Bored, Bored Bored. I’m just used to having a million things to do, and now what? …… Yes I know I have more op’s, radiation, holidays, work, but there is always more. Whats the point of slowing down? To me I have ten years left and we just have to find out how to make them fun and fulfilled.