Yet again long time, no write. Well I have but I can’t finish them, looking at them makes me to sad.
The past few weeks have been hell, physically and mentally, and you try and figure out why? Or what am I meant to learn from this? you cannot use words like ‘its not fair’, coz is it ever? (wow lots of questions tonight) I am sitting here on a friends sofa doing this, which is nice, because if this was say Monday I would not thought this was possible. I had fallen down the rabbit hole again just completely void of any form of hope really, and when I say that I don’t think I’m going to die any time soon (at the moment) just what the fuk am I doing the whole pesky cancer issue is a fukn pain, and yet again last week chemo (fuk chemo, saving you by killing you, and I get to be minus 30 deg to boot) I ended up in the ER on Sat night, sick again, and again on Tuesday, fun fun fun ….it involves me crying coz I can’t make the lift work and then staring at a bald lady and crying. Oh the shame then Thursday, I decide we should go wig shopping, no my hair hasn’t all fallen out, just a little, which with the cold caps is common that about 20% of your hair will fall out, and I’m finding since I can only wash it once a week, witch to me is just gross, I would normally wash my hair every day, and as it stands at the moment I haven’t washed it in 8 days. Oh my god, so remember the hole skin like a crack whore, now the hair eww. So I figure the wigs will help keep me sane, and to me clean looking. So me and Danielle head off and go to Minifies, rite this was interesting, they seemed more interested in selling me a expensive wig, and talking to themselves and, not once did they show me the back of my head, witch when someone like me who still has their hair and needs it covered, would A) want to see the back and B) expect them to cover the back, when the wig is short and white. I got Danielle to help while the girls kinda chattered amongst themselves. Thanks for that, thank god I wasn’t paying, thank you mister government.
Because if I was paying I would have walked out. I will never again get anything from there, after my voucher has been used up. The weekend is a blur of people and dinners, yay I can eat again because on Tuesday I was refusing food and water, coz it made me too sick, and now a few days later I’m all good.
Hum bad thing or point I’m not sure, but it is I will be getting chemo on the 23rd Dec the 21st if I’m lucky. So Mr ER room please save me a bed in one of those nifty rooms with the LCD TV pretty please because xmas is going to suck. But ha ha were not completely lost for new years yay….look out world, me and my wig are coming…. even just writing that makes me feel IDK, kinda sad, as I said chemo sucks and drags me down a lot, penny with a hole in it………….. And just my luck chemo number 4 is the new harder stuff, oh joy and it’s not even my birthday, I have decided that I’m 27 again next year ok.
I don’t really know what to write or really how I feel just kinda numb I guess.
“The useless drag of another day
The endless drags of a death rock boy
Mascara sure and lipstick lost
Glitter burned by restless thoughts of being forgotten
And in your sad machines
You’ll forever stay
Desperate and displeased-with whoever you are
And you’re a star”
THERE IS NO WHY – SMASHING PUMPKINS
Oh pumpkins oh how I love you, and on that note Back Street Boys you too yays for the comeback. These two groups are my not so secret shame, they take me back to school yard days of mystery and torment, but how I love you so …..I don’t really know what music will pinpoint this time in my life, I guess it’s the tunes I keep putting in here, songs I fall head over heels for, but there is always another song, and I guess that’s the thing, well one thing that will keep me going. While I feel like I want to die with my head in the toilet, or my arm getting strapped, the hope that life will boom one day, get better and I will finally feel better and get to go to all the gigs I want to, to see the bands groups and DJs I want, and not to look back. I guess coz after this little mama got to get herself some new boobs……