Day and night (what, what)
I toss and turn, I keep stressing my mind, mind (what, what)
I look for peace but see I don’t attain (what, what)
What I need for keeps this silly game we play, play
Now look at this (what, what)
Madness to magnet keeps attracting me, me (what, what)
I try to run but see I’m not that fast (what, what)
I think I’m first but surely finish last, lastDAY AND NIGHT – KID CUDI
Monday again dum dum dum rite well then, shower, done, look in mirror, rite done …………fuk really I look like that now? The longer the sickness and the poisoning of me goes on the older I feel and look, my skin to me is appalling. Fuk its bad and it hurts, my finger nails have gone to shit and my hair, I have not washed it in like ten (yes ten) days, I just carefully put soft clips in it and a head band and away I go…..gross, it’s starting to come out. I’m not sure how much because I haven’t washed it in so long, in fact I have only washed it once since it started coming out. Mike says it looks fine and can’t tell, and coz I haven’t brushed it, it’s hard to gage the correct amount coming out because of the chemo. I know I just can’t brush or pull on it, which sometimes is hard to do as its itchy and I want to pick at it like you would a scab. Come on, you know that sick urge you get to just pick, just to see. I can see you nodding or is that shaking your head in disgust. We saw Mikes mom over the weekend and a couple of highlights are, “no more tattoos Mike, coz I said” (or something like that) and “you know Mike always was my most beautiful child”. I start coughing and laughing, look at Mike going ‘Mel’s way prettier than you, she doesn’t have a big fore head’, (love you my pretty xxxxx, Mike that is) and that all she could do when we told her the cost of the caps was laugh, and I mean ha ha laugh not that awkward OMG really laugh. Well I don’t give a shit, in six months time I will at least, with the help of some hair pieces, fill it out. Will get to feel NORMAL and look normal and not have 3cm of mousy blonde hair to deal with (hopefully). I wore my fedora hat today, and nice random people said it was cool. I haven’t quite got to wearing my wig out, mainly because I go out by myself & they look uber fake, which is fine when I’m out with people. Then I’m not just that freak in the white bob (yes the wig is white) and because of the fakeness I feel I would kinda need to dress the part and put lots of make up on, and most of the time I can’t be fuked doing that. So like my spare boob (which in a side note I lost again, I think that one’s still in my wedding dress) that wigs and boobs are only for weddings and special occasions and maybe doctors visits just for a laugh.
Its now one am Tuesday morning, I spent the weekend watching shit my dad says, “funny” but not in a smart way, so you know. Anyhow I’m meant to be up at 9 to be at the look good feel better work shop tomorrow, [Look Good Feel Better] its odd I remember the ads on TV and now I’m there ta da….., we will see how that goes, me and the old ducks and our wigs and such forth…. oh we have tickets for Andy C! Yays, two thumbs up, and were hoping like hell to go to Queenstown to see Sub Focus and Chase and Status on the 29th Dec. We have to drive down though, coz the plane would cost a shit load, so cross fingers (coz I’m sick of missing out on gigs so far in the 5 weeks that I have had chemo, I have missed at least 3 people I would have died to have seen, dam it) it seems there will be no proper New Year’s road trip i.e. PHAT or RV (fuk there line up looks good) I wanna see Sub Focus dam it (stamping my feet)
Nite nite …. I now have reflux oh joy …………………