When I’m falling down
Will you pick me up again?
When I’m too far gone
Dead in the eyes of my friends

Will you take me out of here?
When I’m staring down the barrel
When I’m blinded by the lights
When I can not see your face
Take me out of here

All I believe and all I’ve known
Are being taken from me I’ve gotta get home
Led to a world, when worlds collide
Let their fear collapse, bring no surprise

Take me out of here

Feed the fire
Break your vision
Throw your fists up
Come on with me

Just stay where you are
Let your fear subside
Just stay where you are
If there’s nothing to hide

Feed the fire
Break your vision
Throw your fists up
Come on with me

PENDULUM – WATERCOLOUR

So the past couple of weeks have been ok, besides the hot water tank having a mishap, and flooding our spare room. I have had acupuncture a couple more times, and have started radiation. Me deciding this was no snap decision. I thought long and hard, and drove many a doctor nuts with this one. One of the main reasons is it buggers your skin, and they might not be able to get a expander in. So no expander for me equals no new boobs. The other option is a tram flap, but to me it looks like a sock stuck to the front of you so that’s a no go.

So with some crossing of my fingers we’re hoping I can get the expander in, hell it doesn’t have to stretch that far and if that happens I will get the other one taken off too and a new one popped in that side.

But any ways, radiation goes like this. To start off you get some small dot tattoos to create a line for their lasers to line up with. So after that you get to climb up on a table that they adjust especially for you, and then the technicians move you very carefully in to position.

There is a + in the ceiling with a laser coming out of it, which they line you up with. Once that is done they put a “blanket” on the area that’s going to be radiated. It’s made out of the same stuff as chicken fillets you pop in your bra & it feels kinda gross touching those raw nerves of mine….

Then I blink and it’s done. Ok, well not that quick, I think I get 7 minutes of radiation. It takes longer to line me up before they start. The technicians are very nice, most of them are about my age, and they are smiling, even when its 8am and freezing cold. But the good thing is you can have your iPod going so every morning we crank some drum and bass and get the show on the road. They seem to like the music too thank god coz I would feel a little bad having Chase & Status blaring.

Oh I’m working some more, I just about killed myself last week with the amount I did. And yes you may laugh when I whine over 26 hours, but man it was hard. Full time work is most definitely a long way in the future.

Well now I didn’t really think radiation was doing much to me…. but ‘dum dum dum’ it’s made me so itchy dam it, and sleepy. So sleepy in fact I missed Pris’s b-day party. For that I’m very sorry coz I hate to miss an opportunity to see a drunken miss Pris

And after weeks of waiting our new Nintendo Wii game got here! Yusss. It’s called “Just Dance” (part 1) and man it’s funny. Freaking hard but fun. Mike & Amanda kicked my ass while mister Jurgen watched, while we hoped he wasn’t filming us, coz well Mike is rather awesome at the Spice Girls and Miss Briteny. I so want Just Dance 2 now.

Hum I am down to my last 2, yes count them, 2 lots of radiation. Yay! I also love my doctor, I’m so glad I don’t have to argue with her for the medication I need. While I was waiting to see her, a lady was getting weighed, and the words we fucking hate to hear “dam it, it just keeps going up”, I talk to her a little. It pretty much goes like this…
“it sucks doesn’t it, you spend five months with your head down the dam toilet, you think you would end up skinny, and for god sake they chopped off my boob! Where did that weight loss go?”
And with a sad smile she says “it’s soul destroying isn’t it?” ………….and fuck it is, but I have come to the conclusion we are all broken on some level, we just have to deal with it I guess, coz who the fuck is going to care anyways?

But on my last couple of notes I got a new tattoo ……………“reconnaissante” ta da! Say what now? It’s French for ‘thankful’ or ‘grateful’. And we had a nice mother’s day with Mikes, well my family (if they will put up with me) on Sunday ……………so Happy Mother’s day to all my friends mommies
who have looked after me all these years. I am very grateful.

XOXO ~ Liz