There is a demon on my shoulder she laughs at me………..
So I was meant to go to work today but…….it was pooring down and I was petrified of eaving the house incase I got a cold. I dont think my boss was very happy with me, but no work gave me the opportunity to think, and think I did. In most case’s im like a small child locked in a dark room, and its not fun. I dont like to be left alone in slience. It makes my mind wonder and no matter how good things are, in about 2 seconds I can turn it bad. I am petrified of the dark and silence, and with this desease that I have to deal with, my mind goes walking to those bad places more often. I am told that re-ocurrance will most likely happen with in two yaers and thats way they are being so hitler on my treatment. Its just one bump and then a little smooth patch and then another bump and the list goes on …
This is the way the list plays in my head.
You might have cancer we have to test you
We think your ok but you need more tests
Sorry miss, you have these abnormal growths in your breasts, you need more tests
So yes you have cancer, and we have to chop your boob off and by the way we cant tell you how bad you are untilll we get in there. Oh and the neuro surgen has to go in and you might have problems with your nerves.
Wake up, spend time being sore. Finally go home then end up back in hospital.
Get out of hospital and 10 days before our wedding results…
Nothing in the lymphnodes (yay no chemo then?)
No sorry you have to have it …
Waiting, waiting, I am wating………
Its now 8 days before chemo and all I can do is wait. Wait to see if im ok. Wait to see if the cold caps work. Wait to see, if I dont get sick or get cancer from the chemo, or will it kill me. Wait. Wait to see if the cancer comes back in two, five, ten yeras………… Wait for the recon work…………. Wait to see if they end up ok if they look normal. Will anything ever be normal?
And still she looks down and she laughs at me.